A celebration of non-penetration.

From "Ask Dr. Frist" at AbstineceOnly.com:

Dear Dr. Frist,

My girlfriend and I have been faithfucking through our underwear for the past several months. We’re both nineteen, fairly good-looking and have some of the greatest sex either of us has ever experienced, and believe it or not, she comes more than I do! (I’ve recently been practicing a sort of zen-tantric form of ejaculatory control.) Even though I rarely ejaculate per se, I have been secreting copious amounts of seminal fluid, which, combined with the juice from her horny young pussy, turns our underwear into a veritable swamp of hot, youthful, sexual juices. My question is this, while I know that pre-ejaculatory seminal fluid contains a certain amount of live spermatozoa, what are the chances, realistically speaking, that one might be able to swim through the fabric, up her vagina and actually impregnate her?

Signed, Youthful Adonis



Dear Youthful Adonis,

It’s letters like yours that make this job great. If only my duties as Senate Majority Leader could be so rewarding. To answer your question, while there’s certainly a chance of impregnation, it’s a relatively small one: if I were you I’d just stick with what you’re doing. If she gets pregnant, so what? You’re both still technically abstinent and she can always have an abortion. Better yet, have the child and raise him or her with a strong emphasis on athletic training and we may be seeing Olympic Gold for the U.S.A. swim team in 2024!

Just to be on the safe side, immediately after faithfucking, put both your undies in a Ziploc bag and mail them to me, Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist, and I’ll check for sperm content using what we doctors call the “ol’ sniff-test”.

Yours Truly, Bill Frist

P.S.: Please include photos.

A big hetrosexual hug to The General.

friday elfgirl blogging

Congressman Conyers on Kos

Congressman John Conyers has a diary on Daily Kos :

Investigating John Kerry Post-Haste, While Condoleezza Rice Goes to the Back Burner

The Office of Special Counsel, which investigates campaign fundraising violations by government officials and employees under the Hatch Act, seems to be sweeping Republican violations under the rug. I have received reports from whistle-blowers that, in the lead up to the 2004 Presidential Campaign, an investigation of then-National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice was assumed by high ranking partisans in the office and placed on the back burner, while the same high ranking partisans gave their immediate attention to an investigation of Senator John Kerry.
On October 10, 2004, the Washington Post reported that then-National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice was giving campaign-oriented speeches in presidential battleground states. The article stated that "[t]he frequency and location of her speeches differ[ed] sharply from those before this election year - and appear[ed] to break with the long-standing precedent that the national security adviser try to avoid overt involvement in the presidential campaign."

What compounded the problem was that she seemingly was giving these political speeches on the taxpayers' dime, and that is not only unusual but illegal under the Hatch Act, which generally prohibits campaign activity on government time or on government property. So I wrote to the Special Counsel, Scott Bloch, saying he should investigate this blatant violation of the law and abuse of public funds. To date, I've heard nothing, but apparently much has transpired behind the scenes since I wrote that letter.

Apparently, during the same period of time, the OSC received and expedited an investigation of then-Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry. It sought information from NASA on whether Sen. Kerry gave a political speech on federal property. While this was expedited, Bloch apparently sat on the investigation of Rice's travels that I asked him to commence until after the 2004 Presidential election.

The irony is not lost on me. The officer tasked with ensuring that the executive branch does not engage in partisan political activity is apparently prioritizing such investigations in accordance with his own partisan aims.

Battle For Al-Qaim

The Battle For Al-Qaim: The U.S. Version
The Battle For Al-Qaim: The Iraq Version

FTW - VS rematch

The flat track Tucson Roller Derby league will skate this Saturday, April 16.

This is a rematch between the Furious Truckstop Waitresses vs. the VICE Squad. (FTW won the last bout 115-84)

Saturday, April 16.
Bladeworld

Doors open at 6:30pm, bout at 7pm.

Tickets are $8 in advance, $10 at the door.

Visit the Tucson Roller Derby website for more info.

tags: roller derby, rollergirls, Furious Truckstop Waitresses, VICE Squad

Journalism & the Arab World Conference

Journalism & the Arab World Conference
April 22-24, 2005
Thompson Conference Center
The University of Texas at Austin

Featuring:

• Anthony Shadid, Washington Post foreign correspondent & 2004 Pulitzer Prize winner for International Reporting
• Samir Khader, Aljazeera Senior Producer & featured in the documentary, "Control Room"
• Bathsheba Ratzkoff, Producer/Director of Peace, Propaganda, and the Promised Land
• Kenyon King, Editor of Peace, Propaganda, and the Promised Land
• Mouafac Harb, Alhurra News Director
• Said Arikat, Al Qotz Washington Correspondent
• Nathan Guttman, Haaretz Washington Correspondent
• Joel Campagna, Senior Program Coordinator for the Committee to Protect Journalists
• Bryan Atinsky, editor of News from Within, the monthly English-language publication of the Alternative Information Center in Jerusalem
• Sam Husseini, Communications Director for the Institute for Public Accuracy
• Roger Cohen, former New York Times foreign editor and current columnist for the International Herald Tribune
• Mona Eltahawy, Asharq al-Awsat columnist
• Habib Battah, The Daily Star and Future Television reporter
• Lamis Andoni, Independent Journalist
• Jehane Noujaim, director, “Control Room”

Presented by:
National Arab American Journalist Association
& Society of Professional Journalist at the University of Texas

Cherry Bombs vs. Hellcats

The banked track Lonestar Rollergirls will skate Sunday, April 17.

The Cherry Bombs will take on the Hellcats.

Sunday, April 17.

Bout will take place at the new Thunderdome.
1901 E. 51st St. Austin Studios, Hanger 5.

Doors open at 6pm, bout at 7pm.

Tickets are $10.

Music by Boom Box ATX

Please visit the Lonestar Rollergirls website for more info.

tags: roller derby, rollergirls, Lonestar Rollergirls, Cherry Bombs, Hellcats

AZRD Bout - Saturday, April 16

The girls of the flat track Arizona Roller Derby will skate a bout this Saturday, April 12 in Phoenix.

The Surly Gurlies take on the Bad News Beaters in a championship qualifier bout.

Saturday, April 16.
Castle Sports Club
doors 7pm

Tickets are $10 in advance, $12 at the door.

Live music by Austin bands the Flametrick Subs and Hobble.

Please visit the Arizona Roller Derby website for more info.

tags: roller derby, rollergirls, Arizona Roller Derby

Rollergirls to take over Vegas

1st Annual Roller Derby Convention 2005
August 26th - 28th
Las Vegas, Nevada

Mayhem all over town
Bands at Double Down Saloon
4640 Paradise Road
702-791-5775

soon to come: rollercon.com for more info

XoXoXo to Ivanna S. Pankin of Arizona Rollerderby.

tags: roller derby, rollergirls

2005 Muzzles

2005 Jefferson Muzzles

Since 1992, the Thomas Jefferson Center for the Protection of Free Expression has celebrated the birth and ideals of its namesake by calling attention to those who in the past year forgot or disregarded Mr. Jefferson's admonition that freedom of speech "cannot be limited without being lost."

Announced on or near April 13 -- the anniversary of the birth of Thomas Jefferson -- the Jefferson Muzzles are awarded as a means to draw national attention to abridgments of free speech and press and, at the same time, foster an appreciation for those tenets of the First Amendment. Because the importance and value of free expression extend far beyond the First Amendment's limit on government censorship, acts of private censorship are not spared consideration for the dubious honor of receiving a Muzzle.

Some of the usual suspects 2005 winners:

• The Federal Communications Commission
• The Democratic and Republican National Parties
• The United States Department of State
• The United States Department of Homeland Security
• The (Motion Picture) Classification and Rating Administration
• The National Stock Car Racing Commission (NASCAR)

Carolina Rollergirls First Bout a Success

The Carolina Rollergirls skated their first bout this past Sunday in front of a sell out crowd.

The Trauma Queens beat the Debutante Brawlers 138-131 in a very high scoring bout.

Sam Bennett has some great photos of the action on his site.

The Carolina Rollergirls also made some new fans.

The next scheduled bout is set for Sunday, May 22nd at Skate Ranch of Raleigh.

Please visit the Carolina Rollergirls website for info.

tags: roller derby, rollergirls, Carolina Rollergirls

Bombshells over Manhattan

The Brooklyn Bombshells beat the Manhattan Mayhem 104-101 in the season opening bout of Gotham Girls Roller Derby.

Recap of the April 1st Brooklyn Bombshells vs. Manhattan Mayhem bout here.

Photos of the bout here.

Next Gotham Girls Roller Derby bout will take place on Friday, April 22 at Skate Key in the Bronx.

tags: roller derby, rollergirls, Manhattan Mayhem, Brooklyn Bombshells

Aiming for derby glory

North Carolina State University's student newspaper has an article on former alum and Carolina Rollergirls founder Celia Fate.

For Laura Weakland, days of work at the office bring a similar, monotonous feeling.

The N.C. State graduate of 1995 utilizes skills derived from a Bachelor’s degree in graphic design to improve the state’s education system, but the employment barely satisfies the craving Weakland possesses for something greater.

The source of liberation for Weakland resided neither at her former university in Raleigh nor at her former high school – Grimsley High in Greensboro – but halfway across the nation in Austin, Texas.

“Going on the cross-country trip, I’m not sure if I expected to find anything,” Weakland said. “But I found something worthwhile.”

She discovered her passion in the Playland Skate Center, where the capacity crowds of 1,100 Texans calmed Weakland’s hunger by presenting a once-forgotten national sport with a new flavor.

The crowds gave nourishment to the sport in question. The elders relived the action-ridden battles while the younger generation hoped to give rebirth to an entertainment that transfixed the country in the 1970s.

And Weakland found her salvation from simplicity.

This was roller derby.

tags: roller derby, rollergirls, Carolina Rollergirls, Celia Fate

Polish Ace to help Penn Jersey She Devils

Judy Sowinski to work with the Penn Jersey She Devils.

We welcome Judy as a friend and mentor and especially welcome her support of our efforts to keep the tradition of real roller derby action alive in Philly!

Judy "The Polish Ace" Sowinski skated for the LA T-Birds, the Eastern Warriors and NY Bombers. She was Rookie of the Year in 1972 and was inducted into the Roller Derby Hall of Fame in 2004.

A tip of the hat to Wayne's Derby World for spotting this.