Red, White, and Bruised

Windy City Rollers bout recap. Sunday, July 10, 2005

As derby fans slowly fill up the Congress Theater, skaters circle the floor to warm up. Sister Sledgehammer, wielding her namesake, takes a playful swing at a ref. As "Welcome to the Jungle" booms from the speakers, Lisa Diesel and Ana Mission...from God shove each other back and forth. And the bout hasn't even started yet.

By 6pm the house is nearly full to capacity, showing that Chicago sure loves its roller derby. Singer Herbie Derby steps out in a blond fro wig and housedress. As to be expected of the derby's offical national anthem singer, he rocks out "The Star Spangled Banner" and the crowd goes crazy.

The first two teams (the Fury vs. the Manic Attackers) take the floor for their warm-up skate. To illustrate just how tough these skaters are, many are competing with a range of injuries, from Crimson Crusher's torn rotator cuff and broken toe to Violet Nature's concussion and twisted knee. At the first whistle, they take off; one more whistle later, the jammers--Hurricane Charlie on the Fury and J'Illegal on the Manic Attackers--push off. To score points in roller derby, the jammer must fight her way through the pack and pass members of the other team: one point for each pass. The bout is interrupted as Kami Sutra (the Fury) and Penny Tentiary (the Manic Attackers) erupt into an all-out brawl, swinging fists and skates at each other until the refs run out to break it up. The bad girls are placed in the custody of one Oprah Whip Me, punishment mogul, who ties them together and challenges them to race until the first to cross the jamline score another point for her team. Kami and Penny sling it out, nearly coming to blows again and the challenge ends as Kami manages to slide one skate out across the line while warding off Penny's furious fists.

Game on, with Kami and Tex Ann of the Manic Attackers in the jammer position. The Fury pull ahead 12-7, and Black Betty of the Manic Attackers lands herself in the penalty box, ram a lam. The next jam ties the game at 14 all. The crowd goes crazy, waving signs showing love to their favorite skaters. When Hurricane Charlie once again takes on the jammer position, the Fury pull ahead. The Manic Attacker's Ida Ho, one shoulder completely bandaged, takes out the Fury's jammer and the Elle Destructo scores some serious points for the Manic Attackers. At the end of the half, the Manic Attackers lead 49-48.

After watching the other teams, the Double Crossers and Hell's Belles are chomping at the bit, ready for their turn to brawl it out on the track. Ellen Degenerate of Hell's Belles watches from the sidelines in a full leg cast; her injury from the last bout was one of the most memorable and hardcore, breaking her leg in several places. The first two jammers are Ana Mission...From God of the Double Crossers and Quiet Storm of Hell's Bells. As two of the fastest skaters in the league, this is a rivalry that everyone is waiting to see. When Ana gets taken down, the crowd erupts into boos. The Double Crossers take an early lead 12-7 despite having three skaters out in the penalty box. Broken Cherry of the Double Crossers and Athena deCrime representing for Hell's Bells step in as jammers; Athena pulls ahead to score but the bout erupts into mayhem as Angel Dustt and Penny Royalty slug at each other, causing the refs to once again skate in and break up the fight. The bout starts up again with a bang as Anne Arkie gets sent barreling into the boards. Ana Mission and Quiet Storm are jamming head to head again. Anita Bier blocks out Ana, proving that when it comes to roller derby she does know Schlitz from shinola. With less than five minutes remaining, the Double Crossers lead 24-17. Athena deCrime and Broken Cherry are back as jammers, and their rivalry is obvious as they make their way around the track pushing each other until Athena finally calls the jam in disgust. Quiet Storm, back as jammer, scores three more points as the clock ticks down to under two minutes. At the end of the first half, the Double Crossers lead 37-30.

"I Wanna Be Sedated" by the Ramones blares from the speakers during intermission, as skaters mingle with friends in the crowd and the lines for booze fill the lobby. Crimson Crusher takes the center of the track for a happy birthday tribute and a trip through the spanking machine courtesy of Dayglo Dago. Finally the second half starts up as the Manic Attackers and the Fury take back the track. Crimson Crusher knocks out Manic jammer Tex Ann, who crashes to floor face-first and the crowd's huge reaction shows they feel her pain. Mo Vengeance and Ann Putation step in as jammers while Tripple Dee sets the pace for the Manic Attackers faster than a bra coming off on prom night. With seven minutes remaining, the Fury are ahead 79-64. Anne Putation and J'Illegal don the stars on their helmets signifying their jammer position, but the jam is quickly called off by Anne due to some illegal pushing going on. The penalty box quickly fills up with Manic Attackers and the Fury still leads by 19. Hurricane Charlie stirs up some serious wind as she passes several opponents. When the bell rings, the Fury win, 101-75.

The Double Crosser and Hell's Belles return to settle the score, and in the first ten seconds of the second half Ana Mission and Varla Vendetta break into a fight, giving the refs some more exercise. Oprah makes them race with beach balls between their knees, and Varla wins the extra point for Hell's Belles. The bout has barely started up again before another melee breaks out, sending three Double Crossers to the penalty box. Ana Mission and Quiet Storm jam against each other once again, and Hell's Belles pull ahead. As the half draws near the end, the score ties up 73-all. Broken Cherry and Dayglo Dago halt the precedings with a full-on fiist fight, and they get punished by Oprah WhipMe with a backwards race, which Broken Cherry wins. Quiet Storm and Ana Mission go head to head one last time in the final seconds of the tie game, and as the final bell rings Quiet Storm pulls ahead to score the crucial last point to win the bout for Hell's Belles. The Congress Theater reverberates with fans' cheers as the crowd goes wild over the nail-biting victory. The sweaty, beer-soaked fans are not left disappointed after a memorably vicious, action-packed, down and dirty roller derby bout.

-Kimberly Nelson

Pictures by Nervous Jay